Having a ‘mentally ill’’, ‘rageful,’ ‘unruly,’ or problematic child in the family sanctioned my brother, sister, and mother to cerebrate of themselves as being more emotionally salubrious and stable than they are which I conclusively came to agnize. For example, my siblings might let me express the vexation towards a controlling mother through revolt, while they perpetuate to play ‘the good ones,’ ‘the plausible ones.’ I have grown up with passing comments such as ‘It is your fault that we are in Libanon in lieu of having a lavish life in Italy’, ’you are the disgrace of the family, an outcast, worthless’, ‘you are ungrateful for what you have been given’… etc. Once the pattern was set, my family typically went to great lengths to keep the dynamic that way. The sacrifice I had to withstand is unimaginable but had to play the role to aliment my family’s perpetual pain which is understandable from a subjective view, after all, now I ken that I was not the only one suffering and am last endly proud to have been the one to be sacrificed. Otherwise, would my family have been coerced to face their susceptibilities? What this designates is that when I endeavor to ambulate away from this toxic dynamic, they may be met with subtle or not-so-subtle emotional revenge, manipulation or blackmail.
All of which I indite here and now because of first-hand experiences, the irony is, my noetic health issues were highly branded, and having someone with a phrenic illness is perceived to bring disgrace to the family. Ergo, was I trapped in an infeasible paradox: I was assigned to be the one who carries ’mental quandaries,’ but was not sanctioned to or had no way of seeking support.